To be completely transparent, the last few months have been a little rough for me. We underwent several big changes (moving & taking in my 15 year old twin brothers) in a short period of time and I have been trying to adjust and figure it all out. I’ve been in a little bit of a fog lately. Not depressed. Not a sadness. Just not fully myself. Not seeing clearly, as if there was a fog surrounding me and I was trying to navigate my way through it (and through the dark abyss that is teenagers).
Last night the fog finally lifted. I had a rough day and I was exhausted. I wasn’t feeling great physically or emotionally. My husband, being the amazing man he is, went upstairs after dinner and drew me a bath so I could have some time to myself and relax. He lit candles for me and put on some instrumental worship music. It was wonderful. I sank into the tub and let go. It turned into an amazing time of worship & prayer and reconnecting with God. Giving him over my struggles and having a fresh renewal of spirit. When I woke up this morning I knew I wanted to start my day of right with a time of prayer and journaling. I couldn’t find the notebook I have been writing in lately, so I grabbed my neglected journal from my bedside table and headed downstairs. I got myself some coffee and sat down to open my journal. The first page I turned to was an old entry. I almost skimmed right past it to a new blank page, but then had a nudge in my spirit that maybe I was supposed to read that entry.
It was from Friday, May 3rd, 2013. Almost a year and a half ago. And it was a letter to my future self. I had completely forgotten that I’d written it. I wrote it when Ryan and I had first decided to start a family, and I knew that meant an entirely new season of life for us. It was written before I even knew I was pregnant. I began to read this letter my past self had written, and it completely rocked me. I began to weep. These words & this encouragement I so needed, coming from my past self, spoke right to my heart. God knew I needed to read this and he led me to this forgotten entry. I’m so in Awe of him and the amazing ways he works.
This is very intimate and it’s taking a lot of courage for me to share, but I wanted to share it with you… just in case someone else needs to hear this.
Friday, May 3rd, 2013
Dear Future Monika,
If and when you become a mama, I hope you are able to be still and enjoy. To savor those moments with your sweet babe and your amazing husband.
Do not compare your journey to other peoples. Don’t ever feel guilty or let the opinions of other’s make you second guess yourself. Every story, every journey, is different. We’re all just people trying to find our way and do the best we can. You are not perfect. And you do not have to be.
It’s all ok. You’re ok.
Your life is beyond blessed. Stop worrying so much and just live it. Be open to what the future holds and in the meantime enjoy time with your family. Be present with your baby. Don’t worry so much about your career or regret your choices. There is a high value & calling to being a mom. Don’t live in that “grass is always greener” mentality. You’ve done that before. It does not do well for your mind or your heart. Remember when you lived in Florida & dreamt of moving to California? You thought moving would be the answer to all of your problems. But there were still struggles and times of sadness.
Just trust God and he will bless your journey.
I’m sure once you have a baby you will be so in love. But also, you may be exhausted, emotional, and feel defeated at times. Please remember: you are and were ready for this. You are enough. You prayed, planned, and prepared. You can do it. It may not always be easy, but you can handle it. You are stronger than you think.
It’s ok to admit when you need help, or alone time. Be honest with yourself and with others. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. Being rested & fully alive will enrich your parenting and benefit your family.
Instead of focusing on worldly things that do not matter focus on what does. Love God & Love people. Focus on family & building a strong community of loved ones. This is what will bring you true fulfillment.
Don’t be consumed by money or the concept that “having more” will bring you infinite happiness. It will not. Focus on the Lord. Love him & pursue Him. He will lead you & guide you. You don’t have to know where the path leads because He’s got you. He loves you and cares about your life, your dreams, your heart, everything.
Stay positive and uplifted. Don’t let exhaustion overcome you. Yes, you may be tired, but you can handle it. And where you are weak, He is strong. His Spirit will give you the strength you need.
Be patient. Be happy. Trust the Lord. He’s never let you down and he won’t start now.